Apologies

For John, BLUF:  An apology is more than just tossing off an "I'm sorry".  Nothing to see here; just move along.

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Earlier Blogger Gerry Nutter had a post, his Sunday Notes, that talked to our Mayor and his apology for some of his remarks at the Van Pech fund raiser.

I’m tired of the half apologies from the Mayor when he insults sections of this Community. I can never recall another Mayor having to apologize so much for insulting people. I was wrong when I supported him over Rodney Elliot for Mayor. Rodney would not have embarrassed the City and this City Council the way this Mayor has.

Yes, it seems Mr Nutter is not happy with the Mayor or his apology.

Neither is City Life host George Anthes.  I am not sure I agree with Mr Anthes's approach.  So I will lay out my own thoughts below.

An apology has three parts.

• The apology has to appear sincere and not seem to be a "throwaway line".  For example, "I apologize if you were offended."  This is not a real apology.  See item II.
• The person apologizing needs to actually recognize his or her error, his or her offense.  An apology that is just pro forma is not an apology.  The apology needs to orient on the pain caused.
• Restitution needs to be included in the apology.  Often it can be waived by the person being apologized to, but the person apologizing needs to be prepared to make some, if only token, restitution.  If the apology is for some physical damage, then restitution seems even more in order.

In sum, we are looking for metanoia.

The flip side of an apology is the acceptance.  An apology can be to salve the feelings of the person being apologized to or it can be about healing a wound.  The first is important, but the second is of interest to those trying to develop community, whether between two people or within a larger grouping of people, as a a city.

If one is looking to heal a community any apology can be grasped as a basis for healing.  Those receiving the apology can either be ego involved or they can be interested in bringing it all back together.

I recognize that trust is involved here.  A pattern of apologies that do not result in a change of heart by the offender, leading to more apologies, is of little value.  However, if there is hope for change, it must be seized.  Asking for more signs may get in the way of healing.

An example of how one can offer up a chance for changing the situation is the lawsuit by former Prosecutor Steven Pagones, against Rape Accuser Tawana Brawley.  Mr Pagones says that if Ms Brawley, now Ms Gutierrez, admits she lied, twenty some years ago, he will make the rest of the payments go away.  The Huffington Post talks to this, here.♠  I grant you that there is no healing here, at this time, because neither side will admit it is wrong.  This, no real apology, no real healing.

Regards  —  Cliff

♠  I apologize for the fact that at the link you can't get away from the advert that starts automatically, but the version at The Wash Post doesn't have this compromise offer from Lawyer Pagones and the version at The Washington Examiner might be judged as too "conservative".