Smart Car Testing

My buddy, Neal, did some Colonel John Stapp like testing of a Smart Car about a week and a half ago.  He wrote up the results, which show his background as a pilot and also as a medical technician in his early years in the Air Force.  His report on the test is below:

Last Monday afternoon, while returning from Manchester via Rt 3A, with the assistance of a young 20-something lady driving a SUV, I conducted a technical review of Smart Car crash worthiness.  Conclusion 1 was immediate and unquestionable.  The SUV won hands down runnin'.  Conclusion 2 was interesting in re the construction philosophy behind Smart Car design. First, there is no true backend and so, when backended, as I was, there is no framework to be pushed into the passenger compartment.  Similarly, since the Smart Car weighs in at 500 lbs, the amount of energy actually sustained because of the crash is reduced by having the car use that crash energy to become rapidly mobile.  That leads rapidly to Conclusion 3.  As the front end and back end of the Smart Car are similar in both design and substance, one never need be concerned with having your car's engine sitting in your lap.  Our Smart Car very precisely contacted a double steel telephone pole. Now, the interesting thing about that phase of the research is that the passenger compartment was in pristine condition with the exception of a smoking air bag in my lap.  I merely reached down, unsnapped my seatbelt, and opened the door as though I was parked in a commercial lot.

The Cons sort begin here.  I think that Smart Car must have connections with Obama in that there is definitely a "shared burden" slant to Smart Car design.  Not hood or trunk DOES require one to then use one's body as part of the collision absorption process.  While this may vary from person to person, post crash analysis will always document some bodily compromise. In my case, aside from bruising to both ass cheeks and my tailbone of such magnitude as to make it look as though I soaked my butt in a vat of overripe blueberries, I also discovered that while a seat belt will definitely restrain you, in the process of doing so, it will impose a tissue compression injury of almost unique proportions and levels of pain.  Alas both of my kidneys were, as my trauma surgeon observed Monday night, significantly insulted.  Well, that is a euphemism for taking it in the shorts.  My left kidney immediately surrounded itself with a pool of blood while the right kidney was so confused that it just threw in the towel. After 4 days of lying flat on a hospital bed with a Foley catheter "draining me" while also receiving every three hour blessed interventions in the form of IV dilaudid, both kidneys have decided to stay the fight and hang with me for a few more years....but I had to sign a blood oath with them that we would NOT get another Smart Car.

The little girl driving the SUV told the police that she "had a lot of things going on in her life and wasn't paying attention." Of course she wasn't using her cell phone.  I told that officer that IF that were true, someone ought to give her some kind of medal as in her age group, she was probably the ONLY one in the state, if not the region, or even the nation that wasn't using their cell phone while driving.  I mean..."What are the chances????"

So, after the loss of a week, I am finally back home under enforced (well..and induced) bed rest.  When you take two oxycontin tablets every 4 hours, it' amazing how little importance all of those important things have.

I have made the decision that I am not ever again going to conduct first person vehicular structural engineering tests.

Neal

Let's help Neal persevere in his decision to avoid such testing in the future, by driving with care in New Hampshire.

Regards  —  Cliff